kickin' myself

I guess we all have our moments when we feel were not meeting the expectations of our loved ones. Wether it's our spouse, our children, our parents or our friends. I want to say this is a hard post for me because I am not used to exposing my feelings in this way. I am posting because I think I'll feel better if I talk and I want to be real to my memories when I look back on them.

Today I am feeling especially weepy. I guess you could say I have the need for the appearance of perfection. Now, I'm not so far gone to believe I have perfection, but it's the appearance of perfection that seems to be a guard for me. (It's funny how things work out because God knows I am embarrassed by this type of emotional weakness, so he arranged it so my co-worker had an event to go to for a couple of hours this morning.)

I've never seen myself as weak. I've always, always thought of myself as a strong person . I'm the one who takes whatever comes, shakes it off, looks on the bright side, makes the lemonade. I'm the get over it, move on girl, but then it all catches up and I feel myself begin to surrender to the burden.

Now don't panic, this isn't some major catastrophe, it's just everyday life. I wonder am I a good wife? Will Michael look back on our lives and say I was everything he needed? Do I take opportunities to lift him up or am I quick to tear down? Do I cook enough? I worry if I am creating the best homelife I can for my husband and child?

Another thing weighing on me lately is my parenting skills. I wonder am I spending enough time with Branson? Do I read to him enough? Do I allow him too much t.v. and video game time? Do we laugh, tickle and play enough? Am I picking my battles wisely or am I frustrating the situation by setting my expectations too high? Am I too permissive? Does he know how deeply I love him? Does he see my dicipline as love or does he think he'll never measure up?

I wonder how are all these things molding him into the man he will become. I can only pray for wisdom in this area, hope I am doing the right things and let God fill in the gaps. Help me Lord to be able to teach and discipline him without wounding his Spirit and guard his heart in the times I fail.